The Suckiest Toaster

Now that Husband is done pestering me about my Process, I will proceed to share with you the Tale of the Suckiest Toaster. If you are not a teacher of English like I am, you may not be aware that 'suckiest' is the superlative form of the adjective sucky. Sucky, suckier, suckiest. Most sucky. Typepad's spell checker is having a nervous breakdown.

Many years ago, a toaster was acquired at the local CVS (in your neighborhood that might be a Rite-Aid, Canadian Tire or a Walgreen's...fill in the name of you local chain convenience/impulse buy heaven). Tho' it was an inexpensive toaster, it was a Trusty Little Toaster that did it's job in a happy fashion for lo this many a year.

Sadly, the Trusty Little Toaster breathed its last early this year, and tho' we mourned its passing (and the necessity of spending money on a new toaster) we resolved to find Trusty Little Toaster, Jr. Off to Target we went, having deemed CVS Not Good Enough for our toasting needs. And what did our little eyes and hearts behold on the Target shelf, but this bit of Sparkly Glorious Redness:

Anodized aluminum, it shone like the sun. I love colored aluminum. In my kitchen I have this:

 

and these:

 

and these:

 

and this, too:

And the Sparkly Red Toaster was made by Oster! Which rhymes with Toaster! So the Oster Toaster came home with me after an exchange of beads and trinkets, and took up its residence in the kitchen. Only one problem. It doesn't really function the way one would hope. Oh sure, there are settings. You have to have settings. Toast! Bagel! Frozen! Warm! Not to mention the numerical choices--not just one through seven, but one-and-one-third or five-and-two-thirds, for a total of nineteen variations. Multiply that by the four button selections, and there are seventy-six possible settings on this toaster!!!!!!! Except...

Any number selection lower than four? Toasts not at all. And any selection higher than four? Provides the charcoal briquettes we will need for the grill next summer (if by some freak chance I ever decide to cook). This makes it necessary to stand over the Oster Toaster and watch the bread brown. Does this not bear a striking resemblance to the activity of watching the grass grow? Or waiting for the pot to boil? I've been told that prevents the actual boiling from occurring. Am I preventing the bread from toasting by virtue of my vigilance?

And then there is the confusing nature of the icons on the toaster. For example, what do you think of this?

Doesn't the Seven setting look like a very light piece of bread? And the One setting look like a very dark piece of bread? But no, Seven is supposed to be Dark as Middle-Aged-Woman's Tiny Heart, and One is supposed to be You Could Just Hold it Under Your Armpit to Warm it This Much. Hmmm.

Not to say that the Oster people aren't trying very hard to be helpful. Next to the lever that raises the bread is this magical picture:

Anyone? Anyone? I'm thinking it means that the lever will pop the bread right on out of the Oster Toaster. Or, it could be a picture of a headless, armless person with a suitcase on an upward-bound elevator. Or the international symbol for the Society of Putting Things on Top of other Things.

The Oster Toaster? Makes me feel kind of like this:

Of course, so will a couple margaritas.

Comments

[Punk Rock Dad]

You have to send this to Oster...HAVE TO! You like colored aluminum like I like BLACK.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

I'm not sure. Do you think they will post it on their website? I think they might stop after Sparkly Glorious Redness, and give the wrong impression.

[gathering.dust]

you should definitely send to oster. they'll just ignore it anyways. at least, that's my experience from sending funny complaint letters...

[Lynn K.]

I am so hoping my plain white simple toaster last forever now.

Send it to oster. Who knows, maybe they will send a new toaster, that might toast.

[vodkamom]

my favorite snack is toast!!! Burnt toast!

[jp]

I got a Toaster last yr for my birthday from my Husband! (no comment) 4 slices and variable settings, big as a house and takes up too much counter space............Oh, and it's plain, old, white. I'll send it to you if you like.
I HATE it!!!

[Csquaredplus3]

That was hysterical! I was riveted. Thanks for the laugh to start my day. THIS day needed that for me...

[TennLady]

You might send it to them, but like gathering dust's bra adventure, most manufacturers don't seem to care diddly what we think.

I love your collection of colored aluminum. Especially the coffee pots.

[Kat]

My toaster has the same issues as yours. It is the silver Oster Toaster. I hate it.

Oh I also tagged you for a MeMe over at my place if you get the chance.

[gathering.dust]

tenn - i love that you call it my bra adventure...that makes it sound a lot more interesting than it really was :-P

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

gathering dust - like your jogging bra letter? That was awesome!

Lynn - but what would I have to write about?

VodkaMom - Martinis and burnt toast, every Saturday should be so spent.

jp - someone needs to have a talk with that husband

CSquaredPlus3 - just doing my duty, ma'am.

Tenn Lady - I made the mistake of giving YoungerSis the gold one. Dammit.

Kat - I'm working on a unique idea for that meme. I'll let you know what develops.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

Coming soon to a theater near you:
The Swashbuckling Bra!

[CaptainDumbass]

There's a store near where I used to work that sold high end kitchen goods. They had a toaster in there that cost $1000. No I didn't get the shakes when I hit the zero, there's supposed to be 3 of them. And I'll bet it toasts just as shitty as my $20 Proctor Silex. Goddamned toasters.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

If I ever spend a grand on a toaster, it better come with a hot kitchen boy to operate it for me.

[gathering.dust]

yep, my letter to champion about the ineffectiveness of their sports bras for anything more than quietly sitting.

the swashbuckling bra...and shenanigans on the high seas!

[JD]

We had those same aluminum glasses. They came with their own little rack. So cool. But everything tasted weird in them. You do bring back the memories, MAW.

[ByJane]

Hey, I have that same toaster! But I don't use it often enough to note its malfunctions and idiosyncrasies. It sure looks purty, though.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

JD - I only remember drinking grape kool-aid out of them as a kid, which already tasted weird.

ByJane - Very purty. It's on my niece's wedding registry, too.

[drwende]

*whimpers at sight of beautiful toaster*

Y'know, we make toast in the oven. 5 minutes on 450 degrees.

[Rachel]

MAW, you are so funny. Headless armless suitcase carrying person...I will be smiling for days.
I like my toaster. It's not cute but it's not confusing. But actually the first few settings do nothing.

[jenboglass (steenkybee)]

Also, the toaster seems a bit racist. I mean, the white toast separated from the black toast? I'm just sayin'. Maybe you could consider this toaster sort of like a Jessica Simpson. Pretty to look at, but nothing is really going on inside.

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

drwende - but then I'd have to move my sweaters out of there.

Rachel - not cute and not confusing seem to be a good combination for a toaster.

jenboglass - I prefer to think of it as diversity-challenged.

[New Age Bitch]

*Sigh*. I do heart that red toaster. My is-this-the-cheapest-one-there-was-why-yes ugly white plastic toaster handed me a contract that stipulates that any piece of bread, in order to acquire a patina of toastiness, must pass through the toasting cycle regardless of setting no less than three times, and preferably four. It takes 12 minutes to toast a piece of bread.

[Jess]

OK, that post totally had me cracking up! Thanks for the laugh! I can so relate to paying very close attention to mundaine things on appliances, in public bathrooms...really, just anywhere. Love it!

[Middle-Aged-Woman]

NAB - it might be faster to hold the bread up to the sun and whisper a prayer to Apollo.

Jess - I always enjoy instructions that were not written by native English speakers. I had a Toyota Corolla that said on its radiator cap, "Keep cap close usually"