Unmitigated

Martha Stewart Update

Girl Pit, before:

Girl Pit, after:

Note to Jess (and anyone else who is interested!) - the rainbow pix had gotten so old and nasty, they had to go. However the newspaper clipping? Is about the Methodist minister who smashed his chalice in protest of what he felt were anti-gay attitudes in the church.

Boy Pit, before:

Boy Pit, after:

Anyone care to hazard a guess how many bags of garbage were produced?

Because I Can Just Never Get Enough of Having My Ass Handed to Me

Well, I finished up last week at 9 -7, which is only slightly better than Morris the Wonder Chicken might have done by pecking at a keyboard. Whoooooo!!!! Go me!

Sunday Games

Atlanta vs Carolina
Cleveland vs. Cincinnati
Houston vs. Jacksonville
Denver vs. Kansas City
San Francisco vs. New Orleans
Arizona vs. NY Jets
Green Bay vs. Tampa Bay
Minnesota vs. Tennessee
San Diego vs. Oakland
Buffalo vs. St. Louis
Washington vs. Dallas
Philadelphia vs. Chicago

Monday

Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh

Holy crap, I forgot again...combined total for Monday Night = 38

I haven't picked too many home teams to win this week. I noticed that. I also noticed that there are six teams with bye weeks this week. What's up with that? Why not spread 'em out a little more? I don't even really give a damn, I just wondered why. And Morris doesn't seem to know the answer.

On a truly bright note, the Lions have finally dumped Matt Millen. Now if they could just replace the entire scouting staff with someone who knows anything about the NFL draft, in five years we might have a team here. Here's my favorite Lion's trivia question: The lions last won a football championship fifty years ago. How many playoff games have they won since then?

One.

P.S. I reached my 10,000th page view today.

Well, Peggy, this is a hellmouth.

On Tuesday, I showed you the picture of my sagging, soggy bathroom ceiling. I actually took the picture on Saturday, the same day Bud from B&L Roofing came out and fixed the roof issue. On Monday, Handy Jeff came out to start the repairs inside, and I came home to this:

Note the coffin-shaped tape job over the gaping hole in the ceiling. It needed to have a day or so to air out and dry up before putting in new insulation and drywall. In the meantime, Handy Jeff installed this plastic sheeting to keep the icky out. Except that when you walk into the room? It appears to breathe. I tell myself that's because the thin sheeting responds to minute changes in air pressure, but more likely? It's a hellmouth.

In 1988, John Larroquette was the guest host on SNL. He appeared in one skit as Bob Vila of This Old House. Kevin Nealon played the homeowner, and Victoria Jackson was his very pregnant wife.

Bob Vila: Hi! Bob Vila here, and welcome to "This Old House". Today, we're going to be rehabilitating this beautiful 1865 Victorian farmhouse. It hasn't been lived in in 123 years, which presents a lot of problems for its new owners, Tom and Peggy McGinnis, who bought this house over a year ago. Tom, Peggy? Now, I noticed you already had trouble in the basement, because the house was built over a sacred Indian burial mound.

Tom: That's right, Bob. It's really grim down there.

Bob Vila: And we know that can cause problems all over the house - which brings us to today's topic: load-bearing walls that sweat blood.

Tom: Yeah. Bob, what causes that in these older houses?

Bob Vila: Well, this is an outside wall, so it could be loose siding,dry gutters, bad copper flashing.. or.. evil forces from beyond the grave that we just don't understand. Now, I noticed it says, "All Must Die". Does it always say that?

Tom: Uh.. well, sometimes it says, "This is the House of Death", or something like, "Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill!"

Peggy: We've tried everything - we've tried polyurethane, and sealer, and varnish.. but it still comes through.

Bob Vila: Well, that's probably because this is very old plaster. So, what we're going to do today is we're going to stud out from the wall with 2x4s, and put up a vapor barrier and insulation, okay? [calls offscreen ] Jose, Luis? [ immigrant lackey enter with 2x4 frame ] Now, you remember what we said about vapor barrier, Tom?

Tom: Yeah.. keep the vapor barrier facing the blood side.

Bob Vila: Right, right!

[ a scream rings out ]

Now, you have a sound problem in this room, too, right, Tom?

Tom: Well, actually, that's coming from upstairs. Usually, it says something like.. [ demonic ] "Worship Lucifer! Kneel before the Prince of Darkness!" Other times, it screams incoherently, uh.. like, you know.. anything, anything. It is really irritating.

Peggy: Yeah, we'd really like to get it fixed by next month, because that's where we plan to put the nursery.

Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, I'm gonna be real honest with you - you can't completely eliminate a full-blown demonic rant. But.. I've used this in a few houses - it's a sound baffle from Owens-Mansfield. you install it in the ceiling between the rafters, and what you get is a more conversational sound, more like.. [ places sound baffle up to mouth and whispers ] "Worship Lucifer.. kneel before the Prince of Darkness.." [ lowers sound baffle ] But, getting back to this room, which is the family room, right?

Tom: Yeah. Well, we've got a real problem over here, Bob.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh, let's see.. [ walks over ] Oh, yeah, yeah.. you've got a big wall full of trapped souls.

Tom: No, no, no.. this is actually next summer's project. I'm talking about the floor right here.

Peggy: Yeah. What is this, Bob?

Bob Vila: Well, Peggy, this is a hellmouth. You don't want to leave this open, not with a baby in the house.

Tom: No. We've already lost one sleeper-sofa down there.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh.

Peggy: Is there any way to hide it?

Bob Vila: Well, no, there's no way to really hide a hellmouth. But what you can do is feature it. You know, make it part of the room, with an antique mantel, a focal point.. you can decide..

Peggy: Honey, the baby's kicking - look! [ stomach jumps out of control ]

[ noise sounds from upstairs, yelling, "Satan! Satan!" ]

Tom: Oh? Now, see, there's that noise I was talking about earlier.

Bob Vila: Uh-huh.. uh-huh.. Listen, don't you worry, we're going to install that sound baffle next week. Unfortunately, we're about out of time. But, we'll be back to show Tom and Peggy how to extract crypts from the cellar wall without disturbing the foundation. Right, Tom?

[ Tom lurches forward and falls facedown on the table, numerous screwdrivers stabbed into his back ]

Well, Tom's dead! So, I guess I'll be seeing you next time on "This Old House". Bye bye!

Script from Saturday Night Live Transcripts, Season 14.

The Mother's Curse

There's an old curse our parents all visited on us, "I hope someday your children treat you that same way you treated me." This was supposed to frighten us into behaving, but really, what twelve-year-old can fathom the joy and terror of being a parent?

As the first blogging generation, we have something else to worry about, that is, what our children will be writing in their blogs in ten, twenty, or thirty years. For me, it's probably a little closer. 18-year-old-Girl and 16-year-old-Boy (cast change next month!) might conceivably exact their revenge any time now. Husband is a talented writer with absolutely no free time on his hands, so I am less worried about him, but I figured I'd include him in today's exercise anyway.

Possible Titles for Future Blogs of My Family Members

We'll start with 18-year-old-girl:

• Mooo-oom!: Surviving Mortal Embarrassment
• I Can Haz Stress, Pleez?: Tales From a Nervous Nellie
• It's My Room and I'll Wallow if I Want To
• Our Street is That Way, Right?: Navigating Your Hometown Without GPS

On to 16-year-old-Boy:

• Just One More Thing: Happiness Through Acquisition
• It's Not My Fault: Responsibility, Escapism, and Various Combinations Thereof
• I Took a Shower Last Week: Where Cleanliness is Next to Impossible
• Skatin' By: How to Do Just Enough to Make it Through

Lastly, there's Husband:

• Maybe She's Crazy: Living Life With a Borderline Wack-O and Surviving
• What's the Right Answer?: Things My Wife and I Haven't Argued About (apologies to Mil Millington)
• Mr. Involved: One Man's Attempt to Fit 25 Hours' Stuff Into a Day, 8 Days Per Week
• It's Going to Be Me: When Only One of Us Can Have a Good Time

That last one? Is a play on a direct quote from very early in our marriage. You can see we make the perfect couple.

What about your kids? What will their blogs be called?

Don't Worry Martha, Nobody Else Looks Good in Stripes, Either.

Reasons Martha Stewart will not feature MY blog on HER blog (just in case my title wasn't enough to queer the deal):

This is what 18-year-old-Girl's room usually looks like:
 

This is what 16-year-old-Boy's room usually looks like (yes, he's in that bed):

This is what my bathroom ceiling looks like (until Jeff comes over to fix it, after the roof leak is sealed by Bud of B & L Roofing - Motown residents - Bud is a roofing genius. E-mail me for his number):

On the other hand, Jason built this in my living room:

And I took these pictures and framed them this way:

And, last but not least, MIL bought this as a gift for (then) 13-year-old-Girl:

Because what new teenager DOESN'T want a Martha Stewart K-Mart towel? I know. You are jealous now. And all our friends are now feeling superior because their children's rooms don't need to be sealed with crime scene tape when visitors come.

Let's see, two bear-pits and a leak versus oak shelves, flower pictures and a towel. Damn, it's close.