Unmitigated

Single Moms and "No Medical Guru" Top Sales Numbers!

A little gray out Saturday morning, so I thought I'd checkout WeatherUnderground.com to see if the Tee-gray's will be able to play tonight. Once there, I decided to click on one of those "Amazing-Secret-Discovered-By-A-Mom" links. With a little work on Google, I feel safely able to say that single moms and people who "are no medical guru" are single-handedly turning this economy around! I say "single-handedly" because I have a suspicion after reading these first two ads:

My name is Sandy Mackay, I'm a single mom with two beautiful children, and I want to tell you my story of how I changed my ugly, discolored teeth into the pearly whites they were meant to be. This teeth whitening trick really changed my life and boosted my self esteem. I work in public relations so I have to meet face to face with people all the time and I really think that my disgusting teeth were hurting business. This miraculous teeth whitening method of combining two different products is so simple it makes me wonder why I didn't think of it earlier. I'm no dentist or teeth expert, I'm just a mom who wanted to put my best face forward to the world, and this is my story.

My name is Jenn Mitchell, I'm a single mom with two beautiful children, and I want to tell you my story of how I changed my ugly, discolored teeth into the pearly whites they were meant to be. This teeth whitening trick really changed my life and boosted my self esteem. I work in public relations so I have to meet face to face with people all the time and I really think that my disgusting teeth were hurting business. This miraculous teeth whitening method of combining two different products is so simple it makes me wonder why I didn't think of it earlier. I'm no dentist or teeth expert, I'm just a mom who wanted to put my best face forward to the world, and this is my story.

That's right! They are the same woman! Sandy, or Jenn, or Agent X, as I like to call her, have done so much to save the smiles and economy of North America, that she must now remain incognito. But wait...there's more!

My name is Mia Bailey and I wanted to share my weight loss story with you. I'm no medical guru or anything like that. I'm just a mom who figured out a system that works better than all the famous diets you tried (you know, the ones that didn't work?). Hopefully my story can inspire you to try my method and lose some weight!


My name is Jenna charles and I wanted to share my weight loss story with you. I’m no medical guru or anything like that. I’m just a mom who figured out a system that works better than all the famous diets you tried (you know, the ones that didn’t work?). Hopefully my story can inspire you to try my method and lose some weight!


My name is Amanda Davis and I wanted to share my weight loss story with you. I’m no medical guru or anything like that. I’m just a mom who figured out a system that works better than all the famous diets you tried (you know, the ones that didn’t work?). Hopefully my story can inspire you to try my method and lose some weight!


My name is Kaitlin Callet and I wanted to share my weight loss story with you. I’m no medical guru or anything like that. I’m just a mom who figured out a system that works better than all the famous diets you tried (you know, the ones that didn’t work?). Hopefully my story can inspire you to try my method and lose some weight!

No medical guru, maybe, but a marketing genius! There's something I picked up from this little series of her posts, that was maybe too subtle for the average reader. Kaitlin's? Is in a different font! Verdana! And Italicized! Do you realize what that is? It's a clue, people! The real Agent Z (so we don't confuse her with Agent X, above) is trying to tell us who she really is.

So I did a little research, a la Tom-Hanks-as-Robert-Langdon-in-The-DaVinci-Code, and found this in the ancient scroll known as Wikipedia:

Verdana is a humanist sans-serif typeface designed by Matthew Carter for Microsoft Corporation, with hand-hinting done by Tom Rickner, then at Monotype. Demand for such a typeface was recognized by Virginia Howlett of Microsoft's typography group. The name "Verdana" is based on a mix of verdant(something green, as in the Seattle area and the Evergreen state, Washington), and Ana (the name of Howlett's eldest daughter).

(Italics are mine this time)

From this, we can divine that she lives in Oklahoma, actually has three children, not just two, and that one of them is the reincarnation of the Buddha. Hence the need for secrecy.

If Dan Brown is looking to write a new book, he should get in touch with me right away.

My name is Mary, and I'm not writing guru or anything like that....

Every Tuesday is Like This. Come to Think of It, So Are the Other Days.

You can blame all this on Keely, the Un Mom.

This week's randomnesses are all from last Tuesday, and all happened in one day, in my classroom. Remember that, and pray for me.

The children are working on a project in science. We are studying genetics, on a 6th grade level. In order for them to get hands-on experience (heh) in seeing how genes are passed between generations, each kid was assigned a Beanie Baby from my collection. They were then assigned random partners, and needed to select traits to designate as dominant or recessive and use Punnett Squares to determine what the offspring of the two would look like.

One student's paper started like this: Our second generation offspring was butt ugly.

After I stopped crying with laughter, I let him know he would need to change it to something a little more polite. Now it says: Our second generation offspring was not pretty.

I liked the original better.

*******

One of my students was looking through my books for something to read. "Anything with lots of violence," he said. As I was looking in the Classics basket for The Hobbit, he told me, "Mrs. Wyatt, there's a book with a bad word in there."

I start prepping for the discussion of the N- word, thinking he refered to Huck Finn or To Kill a Mockingbird, when he holds up a book of poetry and covers up all but the "Dick" in Emily Dickinson.

Thanks, buddy. She was a wild one, that Emily.

*******

Last week, we had several girls show up on our first eighty-degree day wearing shorts short enough that you could see all the way to Argentina.* After we passed out the spare pairs of nasty-ass sweatpants for them to put on while they waited for appropriate clothes from home, some of the other kids inquired if teachers had a dress code. I explained the need to dress professionally, and that even on casual Fridays, we wear nice jeans, not frayed or raggedy.

The next morning, one of the girls said, "You know how you were telling us about the teacher dress code? I think Mrs. Art Teacher from last year broke the rules a bunch of times." She was right, but what could I say? "Well, honey, I'm just glad I'm not the principal!"

*******

A student came in bearing a piece of homework that was a wrinkled, stained, unreadable mess. He then told us, "If you sniff right here, it still smells like coffee!" Scratch-and-Sniff homework? Help.


* All apologies to Randy Newman

Did Anyone Else See That Bear?

Somebody poked the damn bear (cog) at Driving the Flies and got him all riled up, Kentucky style. Then he tagged me.

What are your current obsessions?

I am currently spending a lot of time thinking about whether I will teach next year, or find some other form of stress employment.

Which item from your wardrobe do you wear the most often?

This awesome, baggy, faded hoodie. If true devotion can be had for an article of clothing, I have found it.

What’s for dinner?

If I'm cooking? Carry-out.

What is your greatest fear at the moment?

That back pain is permanent.

What are you listening to?

WRCJ on my new HD radio, though they don't broadcast in HD. Classical Days/Jazzy Nights. Unless a baseball game is on. Or a hockey game.

What are your favorite holiday spots?

Assuming this is the British version of "holiday," I'm gonna say Wailea Beach on Maui in Hawaii, Wiser Times Beach on Lake Huron, and Saugatuck Dunes State Park on Lake Michigan. Water is necessary.

What are you reading right now?

The Last Olympian: Book Five in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series by Rick Riordan. Also, Pretty in Plaid by Jen Lancaster.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Wendy's Twisted Frosty with chocolate ice cream and cookie dough.

Who or what makes you laugh?

Eddie Izzard, Ron White, Greg Warren, Greg Hahn, Jeanne Robertson, Anjelah Johnson, the Bob and Tom Show, 6th graders.

What is your favorite Spring thing to do?

Start puttering about in my meager garden.

Where are you planning to travel next?

Probably Wiser Times as mentioned above at the end of June, unless I can figure out a way to get a weekend away before that.

What is the best thing you ate or drank lately?

Toast with peanut butter and cinnamon/sugar sprinkled on top.

When was the last time you were tipsy?

I might have forgotten an episode, but I'm pretty sure it was April of 2003, right after my dad died. Red wine = headache. Ugh.

What is your favorite ever film?

Philadelphia Story, Princess Bride, and Local Hero

What is the biggest life lesson you’ve learned from your kids?

That lessons can only be learned, never taught.

What book do you know you should read but refuse to?

This does not compute.

What is your physical abnormity/abnormal physical ability?

I can make my spleen change colors. I swear. I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

What is your favorite color?

Blues and greens. All of 'em.

Can the people outside your car hear the music playing inside your car?

The music, yes. The bass, no. My singing, yes. Me arguing with the sports radio call-in people, God, I hope not.

My addition: In a perfect world, how many hours sleep would you get per night?

Nine or ten. I am a much more pleasant person when well-rested.

I am passing this on to Jess, MamaDawg, Ms. Partly Cloudy, Saradoxical, and Gathering Dust. Lovely women, all.

Who Wants to Invite Sister M. Virginity to the Prom?

No one, that's who. I had hair in high school that would have been the pinnacle of fashion ten years earlier. And an outsider attitude to match. Also, no clue about what to wear that wasn't completely dictated by comfort.

When it came time for senior pictures, I took advice from my friend, Donna, who had the exact same hairstyle, only less extensive. Wear a cowl-neck sweater, she said, it adds interest to your neckline. So I borrowed one from younger sister, who was all about fitting in, and off I went to the studio.

The photographer took one look at my hair, and I swear I could see him shudder, whether from revulsion or holding back the erection, I'm not sure. THIS is the pose that he liked best, and my parents loved. I'm pretty sure that's because it makes me look like a nun on the day of my wedding to Jesus. Except with a tiny bit of blue eyeshadow (it was 1979, after all).

You know what adds real interest to that neckline? The praying hands, that's what. That hair continued down to the base of my spine, by the way. Thirty-six inches of daily maintenance.

So anyway, come prom-time, Dave P. asked me to the prom. Dave P. was a buddy from Science Fiction Club. But before it could occur to us to attend dressed in our Klingon finery, the unrequited love of his life became requited. Is that a word? Anyway, he sheepishly asked, would I mind? Could I find it in my heart? Absolutely, Dave, you should invite Ms. Requited to the big dance.

Whew. I was kind of relieved. I had never even gone to a homecoming dance, let alone one with the kind of social pressure associated with prom. A fact I was proud of in a sour grapes-y kind of way. So when Dave's buddy Bob called to invite me, I said, no thanks, kind offer, but I'd rather not go, really.

So, no prom for me. Where is Jim Styro in all this you may ask? Well, I skipped junior year in high school because I could. Because I had enough credits, Because I was all about the Sore Thumb Aesthetic and the Sticking Out Mystique (No longer a member of the Class of 81, not really accepted by the Class of 80). So Jim Styro was a junior when I was a senior. Oh yeah, and he had another girlfriend. That his mother liked better than me.

When it came time for his prom in 1981, his boss wouldn't give him the night off. But he picked me up after work, him in his blue corduroy suit pictured above (back off, girls, I saw him first!) and me in the Laura Ingalls granny dress I had rashly purchased the year before and had never worn. And it's none of your damn business* what we did that night.

The end.

*Somehow, quoting my father in this way, whilst speaking of the things I'm not speaking of, is either very wrong or very funny.

Be sure to visit
The Stiletto Mom
and
Blissfully Caffeinated
for more great stories and pictures!

One More Nail in the Coffin

Last Tuesday, I happened to glance at my work e-mail right before lunch, only to find a notice of reminder about the all-day meeting on Wednesday, the following day. Although I had completely forgotten about the meeting (in a really Freudian kind of way), I HAD put in for a guest teacher.

You all know how much I love meetings.

Turns out that next year for the writing program I've been having so much fun with? We are being handed what amounts to a script, and being told how to teach.

I am a big fan of being told WHAT to teach. But don't tell me HOW to teach. I know how to teach. I know how to engage. I know how to make connections with kids. One of the great things about teaching is being able to close the door, and wallow in the art of teaching.

When the script arrives, it's no longer an art. It's just a job.

On top of that, sitting still in a meeting all day put my back out of commission for Wednesday night and for most of Thursday. If I am back at school in the fall, which looks less and less likely all the time, I have already told my principal that all committees and outside-the-classroom activities are out for at least one year. I can't even do a job like this, let alone practice my art.